I am sure if you have ran across this website you are recovering from a past relationship or you are still in one right now. If you are still in a relationship and you are here, you must first ask yourself “why”. No matter how much denial you are in with your relationship right now, you most likely are asking yourself, why is this one different? why is this one so much more confusing? why is this one have me on a roller coaster of events? why do I feel like I am walking on glass? why am I here? Well, there is always a reason and count on your instinct.
I am here to tell you some of my personal experiences and the extra knowledge that has been gained from it through the years. I plus would like to express, N/psychopaths come in male and female alike; there maybe cases in the blog we slip and use he/she, but please be aware they come in both male and female. I have to make you aware that we have a staff here of experienced ex-victims of N/psychopaths who will help in sharing their insight from any comments you may leave. You may choose to comment public or privately by our contact email.
What have we learned? One, it takes time, not only time to heal but time to be aware you are in a narcissistic/psychopath toxic relationship. Two, the reality, the shock, the removing yourself, the healing and moving forward is sometimes more difficult than the relationship itself. Three, and far most, connecting with people who have lived it are the best supporters through this journey of healing. Main reason, if one has not been there, they do not understand, they will most likely look at you crazy for staying in it for so long. What outsiders do not know is how psychopaths operate and the type of mental abuse they create. It is one of the most dangerous abuses. A person who is ill tempered, or has a drinking problem you can easily catch on to those traits, they are open to who they are, which gives you logical choices to make. The psychopath is like wolf in the woods in the middle of the night. You never see it coming. The love bombing they do at the beginning is one of the main factors that stops you from seeing the truth, the reality or even comprehending these sort of people really exists, let alone you fell in love with one. There is something I will try to express, is you must stop trying to figure them out, it is just what they do. People with healthy minds who bring a psychopath into their lives have a hard time understanding the whys of this behavior. Easiest way to put it, it is much like a hunter, they want that animal badly, they work hard at ways to get that animal, it is a prize to them. They even try to look or sound like them to make the animal feel secure. They create bait of food or pleasure. This is all done just to destroy the animal in the hunt. On the flip side the N/psychopath is very selective, they know anyone can get a dud, so they love to prey on victims that carry high traits, intelligent, well balanced, looks, good nature, status, money, and so on. The better the victim is as a person, the higher the prize. So remember, if the N/psychopath picked you, then that means you have something very special going for you, do not waste that fabulous quality on them. The other prey is victims that are independent, strong and been through many rough times, bad past relationships, or survivors in general. They are easy targets because it does not take as much love bombing to reel them in for life. As far as men, they like to also prey on lonely house wives, with no ethics or remorse for their behavior.
So, how can you tell if you are in a toxic relationship? First clue is you are here. Second there are some insight we can give you on how they operate, this will give you the edge from all the craziness.
How psychopaths work in short are three major stages, each psychopath has their own game plan but in the long run they run the same pattern. It is the Idealization-Devaluation-Discard. Sadly until you have hit all three phases you may have been in denial this is really happening, or trying to make yourself believe it is not only because you do not want to believe it, so you drag on in a bad situation, becoming more dishonored and manipulated longer.
Idealization is the part they work at the most, it is the complete guts of their game plan. This stage can take them a few weeks or maybe they will have to play it off for many months, it all depends on their victim. This is where they sweep you off your feet, treat you like something that came straight out of the movies. They wine and dine you, text and email often, take trips, making promises from heaven for your future, you are the best thing that happened to them, you are their soulmate, you are perfect in every way. They want to take care of you, proclaiming their love, and you fall head over heals for everything they stand for. The crazy part is they can succeed at bait and catch within a few weeks. They are pros.
How did they get so good at this? They have many ways, one is they mirror you. Remember psychopaths are the best actors in the world because they have no emotion, no concern and NO CONSEQUENCES for their actions. They are only concerned about themselves and their needs. They like getting victims off the internet on dating sites because they can study you way in advance by what you wrote in your ad. Once they meet you they will continue with the mirroring. Mirroring is picking up on your personality because they do not have one of their own. It will be all your likes, dislikes, personality etc. this way they can become you, making you think you just found the perfect mate. It is also not uncommon their personality will carry traits they mirrored from ex-victims, they retain them and call them their own. They study what women/men love and want to hear. They will ask you many personal questions right at the get go of the relationship, feeding off of you but this is a huge danger because when they are ready to discard you, they will use that information against you. They may also share some of their own personal information to make you comfortable, sad thing, most is not true. As far as the men, they know women are good nurturers, so they feed you with many empathy stories early in the relationship of being bullied or a sad childhood. They will express how all the exes took advantage of them, treated them poorly, they were crazy and they tried to save them. These are all things to gain empathy and make you feel you have saved this wonderful, kind person from all these terrible things. They will make you feel like you were the “chosen one”. As far as the women, they will do the same since a good man is a protector, she will tell them they too were cheated on, abused, taken for money. This is called “love bombing”. Remember love bombing is a way-over the top attention, not your typical nice person, it is an abnormal high of attention, but then there is nothing normal about a psychopaths relationships. During this stage it is all very common the psychopath will work hard at driving the victim into sex at an early stage or take advantage of them financially. Perfect time since they have you eating out of their hand. There could be financial gains they want, start giving you stories and sad excuses of needing money or the romance of leading you into bed quickly. Remember this is nothing but a well planned sport for them, they have had many years practice and many victims.
Devaluation is where things start to change. Now in a normal relationship both parties see the changes, for a psychopath they come out of the blue with no warning. They have already got their high from you and you are hooked that this is the love of your life. When I say they get their “high” or “fix”, the best way to explain it is, remember what it feels like when you have that first kiss? But we all know there is only one first kiss, for them they want it over and over, not only that, they need a bigger and bigger fix to get the high, such as a drug addiction. In that case, they can be more careless, more dangerous by multiple affairs or risk taking. I feel most of needing that high has to do with they do not know how to love, or to create true love for a lifetime. They will start to get moody for no reason, not call as often, make excuses not to go do the things you use to do only a few months ago. They may start to degrade you in things you do or say, which they once loved about you. They loved to dance, and so do you, they loved to travel and so did you, they loved kids and so do you. Now you start to slowly see, they do not want to do any of those things. Why? they never did like these things, they were mirroring you. At the beginning they told you they hated drama, later you find they are the creator of drama. They hated people who played games, later you find they are the game player. They said they hated liars or cheaters and believe me later you will find they are the liar and cheater. At the beginning most things they said they liked you will find it was never true, plus the things they start to blame on you are actually things they are doing. Because of this, it is common you may find yourself always defending yourself. They create drama, then blame it on you. They also do what is called “gas lighting”, this could come in many forms. They stay out late, they hide their phones etc, a behavior you do not trust them, you bring it up as a concern, instead they tell you , you are crazy, your starting trouble, your insecure, etc. They have a book of lines they have used through the years and they use the same ones on each victim. It will always fall on you no matter what it is. They will use triangulation at this time, showing you pics of old lovers, they hold on to all of them, they may talk about other men/women how special they were. This is to make you feel insecure plus fluff their ego everyone wants them. You may feel jealous about this, that is what they want. You soon start to feel insecure raising the bar of who you are in worries you may loose them.
They are masters of the silent treatment, a form of punishment, you may be blamed for something so unheard of which gives them reason for the silent treatment for days or weeks. Do not worry, I am sure they are out and about entertaining a new victim while you are at home confused and crying, they do not care. At this stage you will start to see any discussion about your relationship will be twisted side tracked and/or manipulated until they have reached their goal and it always ends that you were to blame. Now, the psychopath may see you are on to them and you have had enough. They know when you are pulling back so they throw you crumbs. They will love bomb you for a day or a weekend just to throw your emotions back to where they want them, pulling you back into their nightmare they call a relationship. This is their way of keeping you where they want you, not giving you too much of a chance in seeing them without their mask they hide behind. This is where the emotional roller coaster starts, this is the beginning of walking on glass, doubting your instincts, Jackel – Hyde and the controlling. You start to lose who you are because your life is surround by this craziness of going around and around between these phases. You are so involved with all this drama, these ups and downs, that you find yourself removed from seeing the friends you use to see, not doing the things you use to do because they now have your brain totally wrapped around them. They can also at this time start the gas lighting, projecting , blame shifting etc. Now during this time, it is most common they are seeking out new victims. At work, online, the store, church, wherever. Scary thing is they could be love bombing you, be very happy, yet they have another (or two) victims on the side, love bombing them also. They have to keep reserves going all the time, because from day one they knew you will not be in their life long. You are a temp. They have the need to be admired all the time, the high was because you were a new target to be won, now you are the same ole same ole boring mate. I feel they have what is called Keepers and Fillers. Keepers are the ones they sort of show the public this is who they are with, while the fillers are new victims on the side for the time being, which may become Keepers later once the other Keeper is discarded. I have seen where they were leading two different lives with two different victims and you will be clueless this is going on. Your relationship could be going well or going very bad, yet they could still be cheating. There is no for sure trait with them knowing if they are. Cheating is pretty much a given in a psychopath, you just may find out later there were with many sexual partners during your relationship. So if you feel you see these signs, do not take chances, have safe sex.
Last is the discard stage and this can be very ugly. There will be much mental abuse and all though not as common, they can also include physical abuse. They want to rid of you, but it will be on their terms and they will always be the good one in the relationship no matter what crazy accusation they create you supposedly done. They will shame you, they will treat you like a child. They will make you feel you caused everything that went wrong in the relationship. They will use personal information you shared to go against you. If you did not give personal information, have no fear, they will make up the craziest accusations you ever heard of that you did. This all can happen over night, this can happen two minutes after you just made love. You can be accused of being crazy, having affairs, doing evil things to them, the list goes on. I have had many victims experience signs of paranoia during this phase from the N/psychopath. Remember you will not win at this, for them, they are perfect and always right. You may waste much of you days or life in defending yourself to someone who does not care, who lies about everything they stand for. The worst thing you could do at this stage is have empathy and feel you can change them. Do not waste any of your time because they feel they do not need to be fixed, you do. Why do we put up with this? because you were conditioned by the best. Lies, projecting (that is where they blame their wrongs on you), blame shifting, talking in circles, manipulation, they are masters of it all. But somewhere deep inside you were conditioned to believe the person you FIRST met is the real person and you just want that fantasy back. The keyword here is FANTASY they created. You then start blaming yourself, or possibly you did do something, because the psychopath is trying real hard to convince you of that. Maybe you could have done something different to make things go back to the way they were. Maybe I did do something wrong. STOP! Do not do that to yourself, you have to get away from the spell they have put into you. In most cases the victim cannot let go, and is not uncommon they go back to the relationship, but sad thing the cycle will repeat and the discard will be worse each time you do that. They are testing your boundaries because you have lacked them from day one. You will never have peace if you go back nor will ever know what normal is again. That is what you have to regain and the only way to do it is run and no contact forever. Block emails, block phone numbers whatever it takes. It is hard because you have been mentally abused that you can not live without them or the fantasy they created. You do not love them remember that, you loved the fantasy they created, the fake person they played at the beginning, they have now taken off the mask of the real them and yet, you still feel you love them. Ask yourself, what do you really love? You love being cheated on? You love to be manipulated? You love being lied to? You love the mood swings, walking on glass, silent treatments? They do not love, they can not, so remember that, you are just an object for a fix. Do they go away? No, you are on the list of victims and any time they have a need or need a fix like a drug addict they will be knocking on your door to love bomb you again just to put you through the cycle again. They are perfect actors and can even fake the best emotional cry. Another common trick the N/psychopath will use during the discard stage will be to return, ask you to dinner, take you out for the evening or plan anything romantic. You fall for it, feeling they have changed because you are still hooked on the fantasy. What they are really doing is setting you up. They love the discard, their minds keep running like a hamster in a wheel. Soon during the evening they will start a fight, or accuse you of something crazy, just so they can discard you again all happening in a matter of hours. After discard, or you decided to leave, later they can do what is called “Hoover”. It is a term used when they want to suck you back into the cycle, regain control, they just lost one of their favorite toy and they know how to work it. To hoover or hoovering is where they may text you, call you or email you, stating they loved you, they are sorry, they admitted to error, they will change and will do anything. You may fall for it the first time because normal people will make the effort, but never fall for it the second time. Because there will be no change, it is all in their trickery. The discard will come sooner and it will be more inflated than the first time. They cannot love, they can only want and desire, but cannot love. Remember, to them you are property, a high, a toy; as long as you allow it.
Helping many victims now, including ourselves, the discard stage is much different than your normal relationships. It has a few more traumas attached to it dealing with a N/psychopath. You will experience your normal sadness, loneliness and heartbreak like a normal ending, but you will also deal with confusion because in most cases it comes with a blow, no real answer, no real ending. In a normal relationship that you thought was going well, but then they found a new mate and left, that is still an answer. It happens. For them, they just start to make accusations, down talking you, picking fights or creating drama bit by bit. It usually ends with accusations that never happened. Some are unbelievable crazy, yet they stick to their hallucination. The defending, let alone the break up is more than a person can take emotionally. Many do finally find out what a N/psychopath is and does, it does give you a bit of closure just having the understanding of the sickness. If anything it validates what you experienced. But still there is still that hole, that spot you cannot really understand or grip the complete nightmare as you view it in a bird’s eye view. You ponder in your head how they first treated you, the emotional words and promises, what you gave back to them, yet they have no care, no remorse of what they did? Healthy minds just cannot understand this, plus most victims are kind, empathetic people, see the good in most things, which makes this so much harder for the victim to get understanding and closure to this nightmare. This is what you have to try to remember, one, they are ill. Two, this is just what they do, not just to you, to others and for years before and years after. Three, the best way to explain the emotion they have on the discard stage is no different than you trading in your car for a new one. If you can understand that is the exact emotion they have behind this you can see why they can just walk away with no care what they have done to you or anyone else, they lack that empathy. They just do not care or carry any links being responsible for any actions, they are blank and empty. The only emotion they can ever experience is the performance during the love booming and discarding, but again it is a performance to carry on their wants and needs, it is not real and never was.
Most ask, “How do they seem to float through life unharmed and keep getting away with this”? There are a few answers to that question. One, they never get harmed because they do not care, they do as they wish to people and the discard is actually a treat for them, unlike healthy minded people. Two, this is a personality disorder, there are more out there than you think. Plus, when a person sees no wrong in anything they do, and cannot feel, how willing do you think they are to go seek out treatment? Odds are pretty low. Even though people who carry this disorder is very damaging, and have put many victims into therapy (when it should be the other way around), they usually do not break the law enough to be a threat to society. So they float through life damaging many people’s lives untouched. Last and far most, they are charmers, they charm the world and people around them on a daily bases. Under most cases the outside world find them sweet, kind people. Even many family members are totally unaware of their dark side. So unless you become a target, or they want something from you, they will fool the rest of the world. Unfortunately, much of our court system has little training in people like this, so the psychopath is highly trained to charm and lie their way through even the courts. Worst situations will be family courts.
Through my experiences, victims of a psychopath they do not often walk out of the relationship mad or hate like normal break ups. I think because they have so much damage to work on plus there is a sense of shame within them. But I do see an anger with the fact the psychopath floats happy through life just to collect more victims to harm with NO remorse or care. Remember if you feel you can stand up to the N/psychopath, fill them with reason and logic, or just tell them off you best give up now. It is impossible, they will fight you till the end with the craziest answers and reasoning, right along with twisting every word you say. Remember, they are perfect and can do no wrong. If you are ever faced with any degrading or see they are trying to start a fight, do not react, stay calm and just say, “I am onto you, I know who you are and what you are”, then just walk away.
For me, it has been many many years, since my psychopath relationship in Northern Indiana. I have moved on spiritually and moved to a new location, to be honest this is nothing but facts for me and nothing but a story, there is no emotion attached whatsoever anymore, as far as the psychopath. Even though the psychopath will tell everyone that you still want them, (they think all the ex-victims still are madly in love with them) . Remember, “not until our past becomes nothing but a story, your past will haunt you”. But since I know what they can do to you and understand the mental abuse that keeps you attached, wasting your life while your real prince or princess is out there waiting for you, we decided to create this site in help of others. It is hard, there has been conditioning to keep you as an object when they decide they need you as a fix and usually sexually, but can be any sort of gain for them, even financially. It is common to fall off the wagon and pick up their text with them stating how much they still love you, it happens, but it is a trick, I can count on it. Be very ready for the smearing after the discard, no matter how much you put up with and how wonderful of a person you are, they will try to smear you, create accusations, make you look like you are crazy, have mental problems, a cheater, a stalker, you name it. Let it go, the people who love you know better. The psychopath loves a fight, because they see it as attention. You must make them believe they are not worth your time and NO CONTACT is the only way to do it so you can move forward, heal and learn what normal is again. What they do, what they say, who they are does not matter anymore because you will come out the winner. It was years later after healing from all the trauma I found a wonderful article called “Five Powerful Ways Abusive Narcissists Get Inside Your Head’, by Shahida Arabi. Even though I had totally moved on, this was a huge help finding this, it helped in explaining to me what I was caught up in. I finally had a name for it. It lead me to learn more, and what I have learned is there is not enough exposure about this, if I knew then what I know now, I would have moved on much sooner. Plus, I have found a good healing for yourself is helping others get through the trauma you know of so well. Be patient, for some it can take months, some longer but you will regain your life. You will go through your own personal stages, sometimes you take two steps forward and then one back. You have to get past the fantasy stage, then get through the shock. You may doubt yourself from time to time, (we sort of label this as “sitting on the fence feeling”). The sitting on the fence can be the hardest stage and the most dangerous because at that time the N can easily suck you back in. This could be a help for you, because when we see things that are happening to someone else, we seem to REALLY grip what is going on. If you are at the ‘sitting on the fence”, go rent the movie, “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”. It is about a relationship he cannot get over, all he can remember is the good times. But once he meets his perfect mate he looks back and realizes he was living in a fantasy. It is not exact but very much what the past love bombing did to you. The fence stage just slows the process, but that usually happens when you THINK you can fix them or they come in to love bomb you again (hoovering). If you stay with no contact, in time you will see things more clear, re-track moments and see the red flags were always there, hate yourself for not demanding respect and self worth. For me looking back, I have to say my first red flag I just ignored was when I was making excuses for this behavior that I should have never done. When he had a mood swing or his shut downs, I would make excuses to the outside world for him. When you start to see those past red flags, you are on your way to healing. But until you reach the “How could you” stage, you will finally feel you can breath again. You may not feel it now, but once you free yourself completely, it is such a new wonderful world. You never have to worry about each and every thing the psychopath was going to do, what high and low they will put you on, what next thing you will be defending yourself to. The change is amazing! You’re free!
While you are healing, there are some fabulous videos by Richard Grannon on Narcissistic and Psychopaths. Go to youtube site and search them. These are not only about the N but why we react the way we do, because both parties are really co-dependents. One thing he did explain which I could not understand even for myself (we all go through it). Why do we miss them? Why do we feel on edge and want to contact them even though we KNOW what and who they are? I have stated “mental conditioning” but Richard Grannon goes into a bit more detail. In short, he states we go through so much emotional roller coasting, drama, playing detective, worry, ups and downs, defending, walking on glass to the point they take up much of our lives, even in our sleep. Now this is a form of adrenaline that is on all the time. It has to be in order to have enough energy to keep up with all this drama. It is not good adrenaline for our lives but it becomes our life, a norm, even though it is killing us inside and out. Let’s put it in a different way, let’s say you have a exciting life, but it is travel here and there, meeting people and so on. You live by a clock day and night. This goes on for a long time. You are getting drained but your adrenaline is getting use to it. Then one day it stops, you can rest, it stops quick. Sounds like a good thing right? It is but the body and mind does not adjust that fast, it is use to feeding its energy off of the rush. So we are restless, or actually more drained than ever. That is because we WERE living off of the bad adrenaline, the slow down and peace happens too quick. Good or bad, your mind and body is asking for the high of energy they created. You must give yourself time to relearn, reteach your body and mind adrenaline to balance itself out again to normalcy. So remember it is not him/her you miss, it is the drama adrenaline you miss, which makes you feel tired or lonely. (compare it to your body taking a drug everyday, then it stops, or have you seen people who took in a lot of caffeine then stop?). Compare it to people who live in the big busy city, that atmosphere is what keeps them moving fast, many of them can only take being in a quite, slow moving place for so long or it drives them crazy. At least until they adjust. Same thing as how a workaholic becomes how they are, they cannot rest. I have met many people who divorced and had a real hard time being alone due to change and the adrenaline from the break up, but one year later I find them to the point they fear to date because now they created a life of their own and not sure they can bring someone else into their peaceful place. Hope this helps you at least see, the hard times at the beginning of the no contact is not really the person you are missing, it is your mind and body missing the 24/7 energy created by overdose of adrenaline the N/psychopath O.D. you with.
If you feel you are in this sort of toxic relationship but have not seen all the traits yet, give it time and you will. But why wait for that?
Love bombing too fast, too forward, too in love, too many promises early in the relationship. Sort of, if it seems to good to be true, most likely it is.
Masters of lies, plus in most cases if they talk ill about an ex of what they did, it most likely was them not the ex that did it.
Having many pictures of exes or items that belonged to them; yet you were told how evil they were.
Hiding text messages, gaining new victims when you are not around to know. (they like the internet the best)
Creating un-found drama, projecting their wrongs on to you, making you feel you are at fault for a bad relationship or making you feel as a less than person.
Accusations of things made up to the point you wonder if they really think it is real. Unable to have a conversation because they side track, blame shifting, manipulating. Twisting events and your words. Denying lies and events they have done. Blaming you for the things they are actually doing.
Never accepting any responsibility for their actions because they are perfect.
They will smear you behind you back to new victims. Finding creative ways for you to stay clueless about affairs.
Most of the people they talk about will only be the opposite sex, most likely they are all bed partners now or once before and will call them “friends”.
They answer your questions that make no sense or logic. Stories and answers change through out the relationship because they only say what works for them at the moment or what you are looking for. (Basically most of what they say is a lie and are very bad at keeping track). Their stories have as many holes as Swiss cheese and most likely will never know the exact truth.
They will boast about their ill behavior that can be unethical, yet find it flattering or funny.
In most cases you can count on alcohol and sex as a side kick. Self gain for a fix can include sex or it could be a financial gain.
They are the best actors in the world, and just like an actor your relationship will be an audition ( a lot of mirroring for that), learn the script, put on the show, be admired, then the curtain goes down, the make up comes off, they become who they are, until the next performance.
Through members, comments and emails we will be adding new insights, concerns or subject matters. As an addition to this blog, we have seen a huge amount of victims healing. Once they are past the N/psychopath’s spell they all seem to take a huge interest in trying to understand the whys or the what makes them do what they do. Like I said earlier that will drive you crazy since you are with a healthy mind and have true emotions God gave you, they do not.
Most cannot get past understanding how can a person invest so much, then have no feeling, no remorse, no shame, not even miss them. It seems one of our members was actually able to see writings and thoughts of an N. By the way it was written, the types of words and lack of emotion told us a lot. Especially when these thoughts written by the N were personal and not trying to impress anyone. I like to put things in a different perspective to help you get a grip of things and understanding. The best way we could describe what goes on in their head (some of it) by replacing an object for their emotions rather than a person. You can use any object, I will use a speed boat. One goes out to buy one, they look good and hard what will give them that wow feeling. They also want to show it off so others admire their boat. The N buys the boat, there is excitement, fun, there is a high so takes the boat out to the lake every weekend. Soon it becomes work to take the boat, the high is slowly leaving. There just was not the newness and excitement anymore. So they do one of two things, sell the boat and the emotion in selling the boat is about the same emotion they have when they are in the discard stage. OR, they just store the boat and use it twice a year when they need a bit of change or excitement. The attachment and emotion is not the same as you and I have, they lack that. Their attachment is no more than like an object to them.
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